hidinginside

How does one express one's self in a way that others can view, and see them for who they really are, yet not be so close that they may end up hurting them so deeply they "Hide " their entire lives away ??

This is my quest in life. I have been " Hiding" all my life and know no other way to live.

Through my "Hiding," I have lost many that I cared for, from the simple fear they would hurt me if they got too close, and some from actually hurting me.

As you make your way throuh this portion of my site, please take a moment to clear your mind, so that you may be able to truly grasp what must go on not only in my mind, heart and soul, but others that have these same feelings and emotions within them. Why do we sometimes feel such strong needs in our lives to hide from everything, put a smile on our face as if nothing was wrong, sometimes seem to become another person so that no one will ever really see who we are, get inside our hearts, minds or our souls.

We do this as a form of protection. Some however, myself included, live our lives so alone, so quiet, in a

deep dark place, that no one can ever reach us.

I first logged online because I knew I could

communicate without ever having to utter a word through my mouth, but could do it with my fingers. I soon learned I could truly "hide" the real me online.

I made an office so dark, there were no windows,

no light of any kind, other than from candles. I had

everything in that office anyone could have wanted to live, a tv, stereo, couch, all the things you would also find in a regular ofice.

I would come home from work and"hide" in that

office 'til it was time to feed my son, then place him

to bed with a kiss and then back to my "hiding" place.

I felt safe 'n secure there. NO ONE could ever come

near me to hurt me in any way.

I lived there for over 4 years. It was my safe place.

But along the way I walked away from so many, and so many thought I was someone I truly was not. I had a

rule in my life, I give people only one chance in my life,

if for any reason, no matter how big or small they hurt me, lied to me, decieved me in any way, I walked away from them never to turn around again to forgive.

I lost many in my life that I cared for. That began my downfall into "hiding" so deeply that I felt I would

never return. I wore many dark, black clothing items.

I have always had long dark hair to hide my face, to

hide my eyes, to hide everything about me. Even my

car had limo black windows with a vanity tag that said

" HIDING". This was and is the person I am .

This website has sort of begun my healing process,

and maybe coming out from "HIDING." Finding the

one man I have ever truly loved was another way to

begin this process. I dedicate this page and all that follow to him... To myself and to everyone I have walked away from in my life. Please know I am so deeply sorry for ever walking away, maybe you never meant to hurt me, but in my eyes, you did. Know that I love you, each and every one of you. May this help you to know who I am, and what I am, and why I live as I do. To the man I so adore and love, please, never let go of the love we share. My life would never have been the same had you not walked in and helped me to begin the process of seeing " ME ." May you always know that no matter

how far you are from me, I will forever love you with all that I have in me to love with.....